Tourist are morning people

I am not a morning person. I'm also not really a tourist. But today I really wanted to go to the Louvre, since I didn't have class. The line was insane though.

So I have parked myself facing the pyramid in the center, and I am watching the line move. Debating how much I want to go in.

It's drizzling today. And so overcast I wish I had a good camera to take pictures with. The French flag flying high behind the largest of the glass pyrimads, the cool breeze, the beauty of modern and antiquity architecture, side by side. Street performers, children, and geez about a million pigeons. I used to think the crows of Austin were ballsy, when they jumped on occupied tables to steal packets of sugar, then strut around with them in their beaks, showing off. But Some of these pigeons! They fly around like they are star wars spaceships, ducking, weaving around people as we move to and from. As I was crossing paths with a women an entire flock of them decided they were going to fly right between us. Nothing like having a flock of pigeons swarm you to scare the daylights out of you.

I followed the drizzly rain thourgh the gardens of the Lourve and up to the Champs Elyeese. I walked with my headphones in, just taking in the beauty all around me. Green lawns, flowering trees, the most picturesque sites in the entire world.

I love this city.

to love...

So many us have told me that the time isn't right... That they are still "in love," with someone else, and can't get involved with me. Of course that didn't stop a few of them from trying to sleep with me... So when I came across this quote, I realized that 1. these guys were assholes, and more importantly 2. There is no getting over loving someone.

I could live without number one... As would most of the people I know. But two... Two is probably one of the most freeing feelings I have had. I have held a soft spot for some people for so long, even though by no means did it mean I would ever engage in a relationship with them again, I a still very fond of the memories I have. It scared me so much, to feel this depth of caring for some, and I have even heard that I shouldn't get involved with others because I am still in love with someone.

To know that I don't have to have an expiration date on my love. It feels so comforting. I might never talk to them again, but to know that it's ok for me to still love them. It makes me happy.

Smelling spring

I tend to keep a lot of stuff inside. I'm not sure where this came from, maybe some of the dynamics in my family, or my inclination towards being more of an introvert. Whatever the case, this normality for me has been there most of my life. Yeah, it has tended to bite me in the ass, but for the most part, I think it is so deeply ingrained in my personality, I don't know how to separate it without ripping at the seams of who I am.

I know it is wrapped up closely with my unwavering empathy for my others. Dear Sharon pointed this out to me when I felt so deeply for another friend who lost someone she loved last winter. I had never met him, but we had messaged on Facebook and the circumstances around it were just so tragic I cried for a week. Shar, who has been my rock more than what I deem is fair for her, told me, "Laurel, you have the biggest heart, you are so torn up for someone you never met... I love that about you."

Times like these when I become so overwhelmed by something out of the blue takes a toll on me because I hate feeling like a burden some of the dearest people in my life, so those things that occur in my life, the ones I probably should tell people like Shar about, get brushed to the side.

Am I so lost in my empathy for others I have none left for myself? I don't know.

I do know I have been thinking about it a lot today. I met someone who has made an impression on me. He asked questions of who I am, that left me questioning some of the rules I have lived with for a long time.

I don't know what will happen with this adorable man. I hope for crazy good things. I hope for more conversations like the ones last night, the topics which I might never discuss here. but even if things don't take off, I think he has already made such an impression on me, a lesson so valuable, that I don't think I will ever be the same.

Even if no one else see's it. I feel it. Like the subtle change from winter to spring, before even a hint of green peaks out of the trees, it's like a smell, or a sensation...

The skittle and the M&M

This trip is the first move I have been on where I wasn't still with someone in a different place. Most of my moves have weird lose ends still messing with me. Austin had Kal, and his promise to meet me there. Before that I was totally wrapped up in Sebastian when I moved to Chicago, Brian during my first trip to London/Paris, Alan while I was in Israel, a different Bryan when I went to Las Vegas.

This trip though, I might not be quite over the last one, but without communication, he's more like part of my subconscious, vs. being part of my reality.

So for all intensive purposes I am as single as I can possibly be, given my emotional type.

Now that I have established my lack of attachment, what do I do now? Meeting people has to be, hands down the hardest thing to do in the world. I've gotten jobs easier than I make friends.

Was it just easier to meet people when I was younger? Or has everyone become a bit harsher and unable to deal with the complexity of relationships? Is this why everyone focuses on careers and work?

About 25 was when I think things started to spiral out of control for me. I was "not dating" a jerk named Marc. I liked him, but he "didn't want a relationship, and was focusing on his career..." blah blah blah. Most of my friends in that circle thought I looked like an idiot because he treated me so bad. They were right. I just didn't know how to just cut all feeling for him out of myself. Same could be said for a guy in Fresno named Michael. He's a freaking jerk, treated me like garbage, and I kind of let him.

Finding a guy who treats a girl well, is like searching for a skittle in a bag of M&Ms. You practically have to taste them all till you find the damn skittle. And once you find it, your taste buds are shot from all of the chocolate and it won't taste right.

I am pretty much feel like giving up today. It may be the earache that is making me cranky, or my lack of ability to find a bar. I could also be completely exhausted from my week of school. What ever the case, I'm not feeling so invincible today.

Je, Tu, Il, Elle, Nous, Vous, Ils, Elles....

A little snippet of my French homework... Mostly cause it would nice to type some it out rather than write it. My hands hurt.

French is all about the verbs and conjugation, if you don't know your French verbs you are dead. So I am memorizing verbs day and night. I think I have dreams of repeating them...

Vouloir: to want

Je veux
Tu veux
Il/Elle veut
Nous voulons
Vous voulez
Ils/Elles voulent

Aller: to go

Je vas
Tu vas
Il/Elle va
nous allons
Vous allez
Ils/Elles vont

Oddly enough my roommate, le russie, is listening to American 60s music in his room. It isn't even the cool stuff like the Beetles, its like borderline late 50s... I thought it might have been some weird Russian music, but no, totally american.

If you think the first two of my verbs is a lot check out the following list of verbs I am trying to memorize.

S'appelle: name
Avoir: to have
Être: to be
Parler: to speak
Etudier: to study
Prendre: to take
Comprendre: to understand
Changer: to change
Manger: to eat
Faire: to do
Trouver: to find
Connaître: to know
Savoir: to know
Voir: to see
Finir: to finish
Venir: to come
Mettre: to put
Partir: to leave
Habiter: to live
Vivre: to live
Venir: to come
Boire: to drink
Envoyer: to send
Recevoir: to receive

So that is actually probably more useful to me than anyone else that I just typed all those out. Feel free to send me emails asking me to conjugate them. I need the practice.

Bon Soir!