Marilyn.

One of my favorite quotes is from Marilyn Monroe:

“ If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ”

I just wish my worst wouldn't show up at the most inopportune times. Like within 5 days of meeting someone.

But i think just the very act of opening myself up to another person wakes up the scared, crazy in me. Which is so frustrating. I wish I could just erase that night from my mind. I wish I could go back and say something in my head to myself that would make me feel like the world isn't ending.

Alright, enough beating myself up today. I am determined to learn from this.

Sunglasses

I should of brought my sunglasses today, if only to mask the tears I'm holding back. I hate crying in public almost as much as much as I hate the cause of my tears. My own fears.

I can't decide if the highs of my love life are worth the incredible lows that seem to be coming at a quicker and quicker pace. I should be grateful for the past 5 days where I was walking around in a cloud. But like a screwdriver on a car window my day dreaming was scattered.

Is it me? Am I creating my own problems? Don't answer that, I have a feeling I know that answer. I can't find a balance between being a hopeless romantic who falls hard, fast and deep, and being completely emotionally cut off, refusing to even acknowledge a hint of attractiveness for fear of ending up exactly where I am right now. Completely devastated.

For god sakes, I didn't even want to have that conversation last night! Or really ever, but at the very earliest right before I went back to the states. How did everything spiral out of control so quickly?

The feeling of riding the train today is oddly comforting. As always I am facing the back of the train, and it feels like I'm being pulled forward from behind... Watching everything as it is being ripped from me.

Maybe I should turn around and see what I'm heading towards.

The eternal optimist...

A wise girl sent me this photo when my life was literally falling apart. Turns out she was right. Which I knew, but I was waiting for some proof.

Of course my life might completely fall apart again so right now I think I will just stop, smell the flowers, and bathe in the feeling that everything is perfect.

Reality can suck my...

Don't run to fast, Laurel. Don't dream too big. A job in Paris? Well... That's going to be really hard. Don't set your expectations too high. A loving husband? Family? Kids? Little house and picket fence? A dog? Why not a career? You should strive to run a company not be a wife.

"Life makes love seem hard." Taylor Swift, Ours.

Reality can shove it. I love my dreams. And pretending they are not mine won't ever happen again.

Paris In the rain

Woody Allen once said Paris is the most beautiful in the rain. I agree.

The last two days have been stormy here. Which is oh so nice because I didn't get a real winter this year. No snow for me, even with all the driving I did back and forth between Texas and Ca.

The rain magnifies the beauty of Paris. Maybe it's all of the tall stone buildings with their copper or black roofs, or the site of la tour Eiffel set to a grey background that could make even the most dreadful day seem like paradise.

The rain really only makes this place seem so much more romantic for me. A couple behind me on the train, had a passionate kiss before she rushed to make it between the closing doors. It could just be that I am a hopeless romantic who would find the romance in a box of black, white and grey crayons.