Sunglasses

I should of brought my sunglasses today, if only to mask the tears I'm holding back. I hate crying in public almost as much as much as I hate the cause of my tears. My own fears.

I can't decide if the highs of my love life are worth the incredible lows that seem to be coming at a quicker and quicker pace. I should be grateful for the past 5 days where I was walking around in a cloud. But like a screwdriver on a car window my day dreaming was scattered.

Is it me? Am I creating my own problems? Don't answer that, I have a feeling I know that answer. I can't find a balance between being a hopeless romantic who falls hard, fast and deep, and being completely emotionally cut off, refusing to even acknowledge a hint of attractiveness for fear of ending up exactly where I am right now. Completely devastated.

For god sakes, I didn't even want to have that conversation last night! Or really ever, but at the very earliest right before I went back to the states. How did everything spiral out of control so quickly?

The feeling of riding the train today is oddly comforting. As always I am facing the back of the train, and it feels like I'm being pulled forward from behind... Watching everything as it is being ripped from me.

Maybe I should turn around and see what I'm heading towards.