Two Lovers

There are two things that I know I am at my best. Writing and when I am in love.

When I am in love, and loved back, everything could be falling apart around me, but facing it with a partner makes it so much less of a disaster. The other side of this is when I am in love and it is not returned, I feel the pain so much deeper then even I can process. It is a pain like no other. It sits on my chest like I am holding the whole world, and weighs me down to a catatonic point that I could be an inanimate object like a chair.

It is the worst pain I have ever felt, but the joy I feel when I am with someone who I can be myself and be there for is so divine that it is worth the risk of the crash.

Writing is a world all it's own. Words can flow out of me at such a pace, that sometimes I can't keep up. And if I go too long without writing those unwritten words, that are sometimes forgotten, weigh me down like an unfulfilled love. Writing is my love of myself, companionship is how I share it with the world.

I spent so many years out in society, neglecting my lover, the written word, that I found myself in such a state I had to ask for help in order to make my way back. I found that help with two amazing therapist, and some anti-depression drugs. I know now that neglecting my written lover can be as lethal as neglecting food, water or air.

Most of the time, my words come to me late at night, which while I was living with my dad gave the distinct impression I was the laziest person alive. Morning and night people rarely understand each others divine clock that ticks in it's own way and time.

I used to think that my late nights and late mornings was a disadvantage to me and the world. It really made working at 8 or 9am a huge struggle. But since I got canned from my last job, I realize that the ideal of our society's better suited for those who love to see the sun rise and are inclined to going to bed early. Not me. I don't care so much for the sunrise as I love the stars in a night sky. I miss living far from the lights of a city and seeing how deep and bright the night can be. I am always surprised, when I can see the different stars and how three dimensional that sky looks when I get a chance. It's like looking into forever. No picture can do it justice, no painting can capture the depths of the night sky.

Both of these lovers I would do anything for. Both of them shape me whether I am single and immersed in my world of words and the night, or in the daylight holding my loves hand and the deeper I wade into my life with my written love, the closer I feel to my partner, even when I have no idea who he is.