A child's dream

I was reminded today by a friend I had when I was a young of a dream I had so long ago. Ashley told me that when we were younger and played pretend I would always want to be in Paris and speak French.

Now, 20 odd years later, I have realized my childhood dream. I am living in Paris, learning French. Who ever really realizes there childhood dreams?

It's bittersweet though. Because as much as I desired to be here, I have had a dream for just as long that seems as though it will never come to realization.

I am really a simple girl. All be it, a simple girl who is living in Paris and probably giving off the impression that I am more complex then I really am. But in my heart I have only had one dream. A family of my own. A husband and children. Maybe a dog and a home. But those aren't nearly as important as the family.

The older I get, the more I wonder if I am capable of achieving this. My rocky childhood has made loving myself a hard proposition. And no matter what I have accomplished in my life, my degree, careers, traveling it has been missing an essential part of what I deep down need. Someone to share it with.

I'm a shell of who I could be when I'm alone. Empty, lifeless, struggling to pull myself through a life I don't want. Keeping myself moving because if I stop, I don't think I will be able to start again.

I felt a calm joy when I met X. He brought to my life a clarity I needed. A seriousness I desired. But I fear he is about to tell me that he is not feeling the same. And it is crushing me.

I know that I will survive this. Im just not sure I want to any longer. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of losing.

People talk about how strong and brave I am. A lot. I moved to Paris without knowing a soul. I did the same in Austin and Chicago. What they don't know or see is that I'm not that brave. I'm not that strong. I turn to putty when I meet someone I click with. I fall head first, and usually land in a pit of despair.

I lose hours and days at the bottom of this hole. And it never feels like it is ever truly healed. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix me.